I relize how unstable my feeling are. Your absent hugs. Ill make them worth it. I feel so... Hurt

2003

When my family first moved down to SoFlo, my brother would avoid my mom by being in his room. When ever she was home we would reside in his room. Later I found out my mother was avoiding us as well. Right now I feel as though I'm back in 2003. My mother is avoiding me. I may have done something minor but nothing to diverse this. I protest this treatment.

Avoid!!

i avoid drama as best as I can. I live off of yours. Please keep feeding me!

I love you, your my friend right? Then why do you hate me so? I mean I doubt you really hate but thats how you make me feel. I neee hugs. Why dont you supply?

woo! im an unloved fucking pansy

Oh! I'm Sorry I Haven't Told You This

You make me laugh. You think after all this time, a year and three months, you can say that you want me again. Or still? I find that ignorance very amusing! I know that I won't let myself be sad like I was back then but I wonder..... I wonder what you are like? I shouldn't even.

Tonight I am sick. I am miserable and I hate it. I feel so horribly bitchy!! I have to do world history homework but I really don't want to.

This is a very late decleration. Boys are ass holes. Men are whores. Dads cant be trusted and brothers... well mine is the bomb. how is yours?

It Is Starting To Grow

My calluses are!!! This weekend was awesome!! Devon is teaching me to play guitar but i'm also learning on my computer =] Nick told Devon he gave him mad props for teaching a kid with down syndrome to play guitar. It wasn't Dana!! I am using this as my story telling site. Oh well! Donna said I could wear what ever dress I want to the wedding so yay!!! Oh shit! Tonight at dinner my aunt pulled my grandma's hat boxes down and started pulling them out to look at them. Seriously, what the fuck!! It was just like visiting grandpa's grave. Sad and very tearful.

Dear World,

I have to say, I thought you were cool. One day things started to get complicated. Now I have to say you are very uncool. I mean you have produced wonderful people to join my in my journey called life, but you throw horrible things on my plate. Of course it is metaphorical since I haven't eaten today, which I don't like. Since you broke my shower I am sad. I would like to beach tomorrow and get some shots in. That would be splendid!! Yes, Boards of Canada. This song. Yes!! Orange!! Sixty-six! I feel very random and colorful.

A Repeat Of The Hurt

I want to leave. I don't give a shit about anything. Well except the fact that I'm fat and unlovable. Thank you dear friends for helping me realize that. I deiced that I will do my diet and recluse. I will recluse because I thought I was lovable but now I just don't know. Being a recluse will save my heart. It will save it from disappointment. I thin k that I already figured this one out with Astin but whatever!! Wonder if this will lead to me curled up on my bed ignoring my phone again.

I'm listening to metro Station. I miss you!! I miss everyone. I think that very soon I am going to Gainesville with Dana. I need a break. Oh, no appointments tonight so I will attempt to do homework. Tomorrow will be uber fun... I hope. Lizzie-loo-whoo is going to pick me up from school

When All Else Fails

This weekend I went to the beach. I swam took many pictures and went to buy pizza. On the way out of the eatery, Dana inhaled cigarette's. She wanted to buy some so I pitched In and got half the box. The whole is at my house now. Anywho, we walked along the beach sucking our fag's. Some lady asked Liz about her tattoo. It was funny. we checked out some old guy poorly singing country songs. Went into a hotel to go potty and pretended that our mom was looking for us. Silly us!! Umm.... we went to Dana's, hopped into her pool. We swam around then left to take showers. When I was done, I went to Dana's house and watched a movie. I left and went for a walk. Yes. That was my Saturday. Today I got a massage and went to church with a jewish girl. Her name is Dan Dan the worker man

New

I've decided my temporary nicotine fix is dark chocolate and sweet tea. I am so frustrated. Period, mother and all other issues are killing me!! The homework that I am loaded with doesn't help.

i just relized how privliged we are. we have technology that wasnt even thought of fifty years ago. with this knowladge i will take it for granted still

I've Missed It

Tonight I gave in. I gave in, and once I did, I realized how much my little habit helped me. I'm more or less glad that I did this tonight. No one reads this so no one will no. You wont be able to tell. It will only be me. I'm happy that I did this little devilish thing to move my pain. My heart no longer aches. It will soon, but for now, it's curbed.

Thats the Way the Cookie Crumbles

Just that simple clip. I now believe how horrible my life was then. At least I went there second. Just not again.

Yet Again

I need the snap. I live off the snap. No blood this time, I won't allow it. If I bleed that means I'm weak and incapable. The band has become relaxed. It takes more each time to receive my fix. I just realized that I sound like a drug addict. I need my fix man!!! I'm off to find a tighter rubber band. Tonight has been sad. I'll probably go around the block again. See new things, maybe. Feel new lows, I hope not.

the burn slowly dies so i snap the band a few more times. my fix is not gettimg fixed. im in need.

All in a Nut Shell. A very large Nut Shell

This where I am going to have to pick the side. I can ,right now, choose to get better and be happy, or I can stay the way I am. Meaning, still wanting to cut myself, hate my life,and crave horrible things. I'm not quite sure what to pick. I'm having fun with the second option but when will it be too much? Will I know when I need to really get help? I'm not sure if I will be as aware as I am now than if I stay on this slow, winding path to destruction. *SIGH* I'm not a good decision maker. I want to walk and think. Even if thinking is bad.