All in a Nut Shell. A very large Nut Shell

This where I am going to have to pick the side. I can ,right now, choose to get better and be happy, or I can stay the way I am. Meaning, still wanting to cut myself, hate my life,and crave horrible things. I'm not quite sure what to pick. I'm having fun with the second option but when will it be too much? Will I know when I need to really get help? I'm not sure if I will be as aware as I am now than if I stay on this slow, winding path to destruction. *SIGH* I'm not a good decision maker. I want to walk and think. Even if thinking is bad.