What to get!!!

I am faced with the dilemma of what to get people for Christmas!! I feel like everyone has what they already need.

Absence

Daddy issues. Joe forest issues. Guy issues. issues result in tissues. See how I tried to be cleaver but failed? Yea well, I'm going out of town this weekend. THANK GODD!! The variety show tonight was really fun. Jay Gaga is my bitch and Dr Brown is the shizz "This is not a drill. This is a tornado drill. Swine flu" lmao

Im at church. Not touched

And i realized that elmo wasnt going to be able to comfort me. for one he was sticky. and i think that was my sign. no there isn't a two

I can't..

.. bring my self to separate myself from the idea of us. True, we may not have courted but I still fell as though our conversations were enough. I know I would fail us, but I still want to try. I want to be able to have the capacity to care for a guy. For you. I want to be able to have someone to write to. I want to be able to go on adventures late at night. I want to be able to lye in your arms under the sky and wonder if it is real. I want that. I wanted you. I know that I cannot have you and must somehow pull away. It won't be the same way as last time though. I will keep your friendship forever.

The Complexity

Joe is here. That makes me happy, but my creativity is not. I am lacking so bad!! I just need to get out and shot for pete sakes!!

Ninja Boy

i remebered a dream for the first time in a year and a half. i was on the big cruise ship with my mother! We had such a good time!!!

I cannot wake up in the morning w/o you on my mind

I fathom the idea that you will be in my life again. I am completely beside myself. Yet, I am looking forward to seeing you again. The music is making me dream. it has such a dreamy effect on my body. AFF makes me want to dream. To be able to remember my dreams, even if they are the nightmares you caused. *SIGH* I have painted my nails and I am ready for tomorrow. I just want to get it over with so I can clean my room and take care of Dana.

i really dont know if im ready to give up my grudging behavior. i have been hiding behind this hate for so long, what if the love is still there...

Drug-Craze-Cig

As I wash my hands to rid of this stench, I can't help but to wonder what you think of it. I know its my craving. Are you going to punish me for fulfilling my desires? I think not. Now, I am rinsing my hands, my self, of all of you.

Kids

You were a child. Crawling on your knees toward it. Making momma so proud,But your voice is too loud. We like to watch you laughing,You pick the insects off plants. No time to think of consequences. Control yourself, Take only what you need from it. A family of trees wanted. To be haunted. The water is warm. But it’s sending me shivers. A baby is born. Crying out for attention. The memories fade, Like looking through a fogged mirror. Decision to decisions are made, And not bought,But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot.

I guess not

Still dont like you. Don't think I ever will. Oh and you still haven't looked!! gahhhhhhhhhhh

Relationships

I like the theory of it. When it comes to actual thing, I can't deal.

So tonight is gonna suck dick. walking then leaving. dude wtf!!! i wanted to go to that concert

I have a funny feeling in my tummy.

The loss of one, two, maybe three friends is just the start. I will eventually be all alone. I don't want to think about this life that I have to live. I'm tired of living up to the JOE standards. I am me. I don't do core I do curricular. Let me be!

To Sink OR Swim

I need my mirror. I am scared of clowns. I have a new camera. I love my ring. I cant stand you.


Yup. Those are things that weaken me.

true i may not be perfect bit who is? i know you arent. you've made that quite obvious. i can live with my flaws, can you??

Sometimes my dear, you drive me insane. You can make me want to pull out my hair. But then again, thats just you. I'm making this short and sweet due to the hour at hand, but so you know, I haven't lost hope.

i think that recently my blogs have been about astin. i domt really lile that. im pretty sure its time to "talk" about it

beside the fact you think you have some weird ownership over me, you think im what? fuckable. wow i dont know what to say. its not thank you. more like eww!!!

It may be my uber frustration at this moment or maybe the horrible essay i'm writing. Which ever reason, I am fed up. i sorta thought you would miss me by now. True I haven't called you but if I did i'm not too sure it would make a difference. Your all caught up with your new friend to notice how I actually cared for you, not your connections. When we were at the peak in this friendship, I saw you almost every night. I don't mean to sound crude or something of that sort but I need to be true to myself. I have tried act it off. "Oh, I don't really care" LIE!! I may not love you like I love my best friends but I still have fucking feelings! One last thing, you called her. I mean come on!!! She said she didn't want to talk to you. I never even talked to you about it. For fucks sake!!

You Smell Like Coffee

I miss you. I missed Matt. So far things age going fun. I sang to Mulan in the car. I guess you could say this is what I wanted. But then again its only the first night.

I Want One Too.

Two minutes ago I was going to write about how very awesome this weekend will be. Now, i'm not quite sure. I sorta feel like my life is slowly falling a part while it's still together. I am losing countless friends, yet I still have them. My thoughts are dancing along the dark side but nothing is being done about it. I need change. I really do need some sort of way to release. I'm stuck inside my box outside the box and can't get out.

i like losing friends alot. its quite fun

I relize how unstable my feeling are. Your absent hugs. Ill make them worth it. I feel so... Hurt

2003

When my family first moved down to SoFlo, my brother would avoid my mom by being in his room. When ever she was home we would reside in his room. Later I found out my mother was avoiding us as well. Right now I feel as though I'm back in 2003. My mother is avoiding me. I may have done something minor but nothing to diverse this. I protest this treatment.

Avoid!!

i avoid drama as best as I can. I live off of yours. Please keep feeding me!

I love you, your my friend right? Then why do you hate me so? I mean I doubt you really hate but thats how you make me feel. I neee hugs. Why dont you supply?

woo! im an unloved fucking pansy

Oh! I'm Sorry I Haven't Told You This

You make me laugh. You think after all this time, a year and three months, you can say that you want me again. Or still? I find that ignorance very amusing! I know that I won't let myself be sad like I was back then but I wonder..... I wonder what you are like? I shouldn't even.

Tonight I am sick. I am miserable and I hate it. I feel so horribly bitchy!! I have to do world history homework but I really don't want to.

This is a very late decleration. Boys are ass holes. Men are whores. Dads cant be trusted and brothers... well mine is the bomb. how is yours?

It Is Starting To Grow

My calluses are!!! This weekend was awesome!! Devon is teaching me to play guitar but i'm also learning on my computer =] Nick told Devon he gave him mad props for teaching a kid with down syndrome to play guitar. It wasn't Dana!! I am using this as my story telling site. Oh well! Donna said I could wear what ever dress I want to the wedding so yay!!! Oh shit! Tonight at dinner my aunt pulled my grandma's hat boxes down and started pulling them out to look at them. Seriously, what the fuck!! It was just like visiting grandpa's grave. Sad and very tearful.

Dear World,

I have to say, I thought you were cool. One day things started to get complicated. Now I have to say you are very uncool. I mean you have produced wonderful people to join my in my journey called life, but you throw horrible things on my plate. Of course it is metaphorical since I haven't eaten today, which I don't like. Since you broke my shower I am sad. I would like to beach tomorrow and get some shots in. That would be splendid!! Yes, Boards of Canada. This song. Yes!! Orange!! Sixty-six! I feel very random and colorful.

A Repeat Of The Hurt

I want to leave. I don't give a shit about anything. Well except the fact that I'm fat and unlovable. Thank you dear friends for helping me realize that. I deiced that I will do my diet and recluse. I will recluse because I thought I was lovable but now I just don't know. Being a recluse will save my heart. It will save it from disappointment. I thin k that I already figured this one out with Astin but whatever!! Wonder if this will lead to me curled up on my bed ignoring my phone again.

I'm listening to metro Station. I miss you!! I miss everyone. I think that very soon I am going to Gainesville with Dana. I need a break. Oh, no appointments tonight so I will attempt to do homework. Tomorrow will be uber fun... I hope. Lizzie-loo-whoo is going to pick me up from school

When All Else Fails

This weekend I went to the beach. I swam took many pictures and went to buy pizza. On the way out of the eatery, Dana inhaled cigarette's. She wanted to buy some so I pitched In and got half the box. The whole is at my house now. Anywho, we walked along the beach sucking our fag's. Some lady asked Liz about her tattoo. It was funny. we checked out some old guy poorly singing country songs. Went into a hotel to go potty and pretended that our mom was looking for us. Silly us!! Umm.... we went to Dana's, hopped into her pool. We swam around then left to take showers. When I was done, I went to Dana's house and watched a movie. I left and went for a walk. Yes. That was my Saturday. Today I got a massage and went to church with a jewish girl. Her name is Dan Dan the worker man

New

I've decided my temporary nicotine fix is dark chocolate and sweet tea. I am so frustrated. Period, mother and all other issues are killing me!! The homework that I am loaded with doesn't help.

i just relized how privliged we are. we have technology that wasnt even thought of fifty years ago. with this knowladge i will take it for granted still

I've Missed It

Tonight I gave in. I gave in, and once I did, I realized how much my little habit helped me. I'm more or less glad that I did this tonight. No one reads this so no one will no. You wont be able to tell. It will only be me. I'm happy that I did this little devilish thing to move my pain. My heart no longer aches. It will soon, but for now, it's curbed.

Thats the Way the Cookie Crumbles

Just that simple clip. I now believe how horrible my life was then. At least I went there second. Just not again.

Yet Again

I need the snap. I live off the snap. No blood this time, I won't allow it. If I bleed that means I'm weak and incapable. The band has become relaxed. It takes more each time to receive my fix. I just realized that I sound like a drug addict. I need my fix man!!! I'm off to find a tighter rubber band. Tonight has been sad. I'll probably go around the block again. See new things, maybe. Feel new lows, I hope not.

the burn slowly dies so i snap the band a few more times. my fix is not gettimg fixed. im in need.

All in a Nut Shell. A very large Nut Shell

This where I am going to have to pick the side. I can ,right now, choose to get better and be happy, or I can stay the way I am. Meaning, still wanting to cut myself, hate my life,and crave horrible things. I'm not quite sure what to pick. I'm having fun with the second option but when will it be too much? Will I know when I need to really get help? I'm not sure if I will be as aware as I am now than if I stay on this slow, winding path to destruction. *SIGH* I'm not a good decision maker. I want to walk and think. Even if thinking is bad.

Disappointment

I was disappointed to discover the tea was in fact milk. I took a sip and as soon as it hit my taste buds I knew it was funny. I looked in the glass and guess what? It was the milk. Leftover, nasty ass milk. I think the worst part is, I want to dip my brownie in it a few more times.

I am tierd yet I cannot sleep. I yearn for the relaxation amd peace you experience during slumber. I require the rest to fuel my day.

Currently

I am listening to Roxanne. I am also trying to remember who the womanize of last night was. Someone asked me "Whats wrong" Desiree and I laughed but I can't remember who asked me..... huh

The Night of Roofs and Grass

Yesterday after school, I went to Coldstones with Desiree, Aaron, and Paul. From there, we started to walk along Pine Island toward my house but decided to stop at Nick Zoeller's for cigarette's. When we got there I realized he is my neighbor! Ahh the irony. See I saw him a few nights while walking with my friend and I would say how I like his hair and he probably is cute. Anyway, Desiree, Aaron, and I left Nick Zoeller's house for mine leaving Nick and Paul to chill for a bit. Desiree, Aaron and I were in my room having lots of fun. Yes, and so Paul came to my house. A little bit later he left. The remaining chillin' and I made brownies. We never did eat them. Once I took the out of the oven, we left for an adventure. We started to walk to circle K where we would meet up with Nick Zoeller. We got to circle K went inside the drink freezer!!! Chilled for a bit then head off! We were wondering around and decided to go to Jessica's house. She was packing but coaxed her out of her home and onto her roof. On the roof we relaxed and just chilled. Jessica was talking to Desiree and Aaron was talking to Nick Zoeller. I didn't want to be part of either conveersation. I was upset at the world and all that fun stuff. First Aaron tried to cheer me up. FAIL!! Then Desiree tried. She was better than Aaron and I could plaster on my fake smile afterwards. So Nick, Aaron, and I descended from the roof. We headed for circle K but did want to go to far from Dez. Aaron wanted pop so he biked over to cirlce K leaving Nick Zoeller and I to have fun. Aaron came a calling. Pants and Shirts were fixed then we emerged from the bushes. Holy shit is grass itchy!! Yes, and so we found Desiree and she realized why she like scum so much, she wants to turn it into not scum. She is such a loving person. I didn't have time to tell her of the fun I had in the bushes with Nick Zoeller. Aaron and Desiree left Nick Zoeller and I so they could walk Jessica home. We went to the convent store, got water and chilled out front 'till their return. On the walk home, Desiree had Nick Zoeller prank call Robyn, Mickey and unknown. My words is he funny. We returned home, dropped off Nick Zoeller. Aaron and Desiree got their belongings and left. I got in no trouble except for the fact I wouldn't get money for when my mom is gone. I showered, texted some friends then went to bed.


I had an absolutely wonderful evening, and I owe it to my trying to be social and winning!!!

Coldisackk

I was just lying talking to Dana when Astin drove by. I have been wanting to re-friend him for some time. I need his hugs. So we walked over to him, had a few laughs. I got covered in his meat juice. When it came time to depart, I thought it to soon to hug, but he asked. I could not refuse despite everything. I am proud to say it made me feel better a bit, but his other hand was on his meat.

the joys of living in a coldisack with dana and astin

Yet Again.

Yet again I am failing to "buckle down" and do my school work. I think I will try to revert to my old Georgia speech. Pop instead of soda, school work instead if homework ect. ect. I really miss it up there and sad that I don't reside in Snellville anymore. I can't wait to move back to Atlanta. Yes, I am not in one frame of mind at the moment. I feel very scattered and disconnected. This is a sad realization because I want to have an organized life.

Pocrastination Nation

I fail at sitting down at the jeering desk. Instead I plop onto my bed in a feverous search for Louis Rayes on Facebook. I need to do my history homework so I can prove i am smart and determinated to pass in a honors class. Three of my classes are absolutely wonderful but my fourth class is horrendous. I dread walking down the long hallway to get to Mr. Cardinle's class. I'm hoping to go to guidance to switch it. Oh yes, lunch is splendid. I stroll with Desiree and Dannie P. Yes, that is all.

im going to the mall today with my mother. Im hoping i find relaxation in shoppin

All in All This Is Your Death

I am under the belief that if I pretend everything is okay then it will be. So far so good. I can't deal with these things yet. I'm not ready to face family trials like these.

im supposed to be the strong one yet tears are welling up in my eyes. i know that i cant always be strong but right now i need to be. I need to prove myself.

Today i found out what my new "thing" is going to be. I just found out my grandma died. This is so... well its not suprising but its sad. Im gonna be a smoker.

tomrrow will be my fresh start. im going to stop trying to be who i am and just do it. i will learn to embrace life and try new thing cheers!!

Im testing my mobile blogger

What Wrong?

Im sitting with Desiree in my room talking about the womanizer men that we have connections with. We may hate some and still be friends with the others. Anyway we have a had some sort of physacal realtionship with each. While talking I made a connection that the womanizer men I have been with have always asked me "Whats Wrong?" Nothing has ever been wrong when they asked but they still asked. As soon as I said this Desiree said "It must be a womanizer thing. Wait..... (*name*) said that to me too!!!" So we wanted to blog about our findings!!

So I recently visited my dad in the mountians of Tennesse

And while I was up there i had a couple of thoughts that I wrote down

"I remeber before 9/11, my dad and I would ride the Marta down to Dekalb to sit and watch planes take off. We would spend the day doing absoultly nothing but thats why I think I remeber it. We would just be at peace with our self's. it was all so easy when I was younger, i didnt have to pick anything other than ice cream flavors. I also didn't have to pick who i wanted to spend my time with. I could just go knowing i had tomorrow to spend with the other parent."

I think that this really helped me get close to my dad. We would spend so much time togeher but now I never wanna go up to visit.

"Since when did my dad start doubting Joseph's and my abilites so much? i think maybe i have been to blind to notice or just to niave. Which ever I still cant belive it. He starts by telling Joe how to drive then has the audacity to critizie his driving. Joe is a better driver than our dad by far!! My dad also is completly shocked when I can paddel a canoe. Umm hello!! iI've benn doing it half my life, of corse im good!"

I just think that he needs to relize we are old enough to have thoughts and feelings.

*sigh*